I Have to Believe

So it's been about two months since I've sat down to write a blog post.  I tend to view my blog as a scrapbook of sorts, I like to post pictures of fun times with friends, write about trips and other fun adventures and occasionally share things that have been on my heart. But I don't really feel particularly compelled to share the more serious or difficult aspects of my life.  


Lately, a large part of my life has been my dad's battle with cancer.  Cancer isn't typically something that people would want to scrapbook about, which is why I haven't really mentioned it on my blog. I think it is a large part of why I've shied away from writing at all lately.... I don't feel like I can write "fluff" entries about the holidays and other fun times, when something this big has been going on through it all.  


My dad's cancer started in his throat and spread to his lymph nodes, it was diagnosed as stage 4.  In the last four months he has had surgery, radiation, and chemo.  Through it all, he has been so positive and good-spirited, which makes it a lot easier for the rest of us to keep that same attitude.  That's not to say that any of it has been easy on him.  I don't think anyone can quite understand just how invasive,difficult and painful cancer treatment is until they've seen it day in and day out.  There have definitely been times when I was fearful that maybe the treatment was just going to be too much for him... seeing how sick chemo and radiation have made him has almost been scarier than the initial fear I felt when learning he had cancer.


I don't want to go into too much detail, because he's not one to broadcast his life on the internet, and the details of his journey are not mine to tell.  But it has had a huge affect on my life lately so I feel compelled to write about it.  

When someone you love is really sick, I think it makes you question some of the basic elements of your faith.  I feel like a complete spiritual infant admitting this, but I have struggled with questioning things like the goodness of God and the power of prayer.  These are things I've believed in strongly for years and I've built my life on the foundation of these beliefs.  


I'm not saying I don't believe that God is good, or that prayer is effective, but I've for sure had my doubts and my questions.  My basic conclusion in it all is that God never promised that we would understand everything that happens in this world.  If fact, he tells us over and over in scripture that we are not to lean on our own understanding and that his ways our not our ways.  We're frequently commanded not to fear, not be be anxious and trust him even when things around us give us every indication that we have no reason to trust in Him.  


"Faith is a decision. It is not a deduction from the facts around us. We would not look at the world of today and logically conclude that God loves us. It doesn’t always look as though He does. Faith is not an instinct. It certainly is not a feeling—feelings don’t help much when you’re in the lions’ den or hanging on a wooden Cross. Faith is not inferred from the happy way things always work. It is an act of the will, a choice based on the unbreakable Word of a God who cannot lie, and who showed us what love and obedience and sacrifice mean, in the person of Jesus Christ."  ~Elisabeth Elliot


Elisabeth Elliot is my absolute favorite author.  After the Bible, her books have contributed more to the development of my faith than any other books I've ever read.  I think she hit the nail on the head with this quote. 


I think somewhere along the way, we have all gotten the impression that faith should be a feeling.  That you should want nothing more than to spend time basking in the presence of God and that you should always be quick to speak about his great love for you to anyone who will listen, because you can't help but contain the joy that is bursting out of you.  


I know that sounds really sarcastic... I don't intend to downplay the joy of the Lord and the times in life where faith does come easily, where you really are overwhelmed by the peace and love of God... because I think those times are fundamental to the formation of our faith.  We need the times when God's presence feels very near and very real, so that we can trust in his goodness during the times that he feels far away.  


In the last few months there have been times when I have felt guilty for viewing my faith as an act of obligation rather than an act of desire.  I have felt guilty for being fearful and doubting that my God will pull through. I've felt guilty for praying for my own will rather than praying for his will to be done. I've felt guilty for doubting that my heavenly father truly loves me and has my best interest in mind, when I have never once doubted the love of my earthly father.  


Spending time in prayer and in the word have felt difficult and forced, and I initially thought there was something wrong with me or that my faith was lacking in some way.  But as time has gone on, I am starting to learn that it is okay if obedience, rather than desire is fueling my faith right now.  


God wouldn't have told us not to be anxious, not to fear, not to give up hope, and not to lean on our own understanding, if he didn't know that there would be times when we were prone to feel anxiety, fear and hopelessness.  He gets it.  In the goodness of his character, his love and patience extend to us during the times of doubt.  If we cling to his word and his promises even when when our faith is weak, I have to believe that he will honor our obedience and see us through the difficult times. 


"...Lord, I believe; help my unbelief." Mark 9:24