I Have to Believe

So it's been about two months since I've sat down to write a blog post.  I tend to view my blog as a scrapbook of sorts, I like to post pictures of fun times with friends, write about trips and other fun adventures and occasionally share things that have been on my heart. But I don't really feel particularly compelled to share the more serious or difficult aspects of my life.  


Lately, a large part of my life has been my dad's battle with cancer.  Cancer isn't typically something that people would want to scrapbook about, which is why I haven't really mentioned it on my blog. I think it is a large part of why I've shied away from writing at all lately.... I don't feel like I can write "fluff" entries about the holidays and other fun times, when something this big has been going on through it all.  


My dad's cancer started in his throat and spread to his lymph nodes, it was diagnosed as stage 4.  In the last four months he has had surgery, radiation, and chemo.  Through it all, he has been so positive and good-spirited, which makes it a lot easier for the rest of us to keep that same attitude.  That's not to say that any of it has been easy on him.  I don't think anyone can quite understand just how invasive,difficult and painful cancer treatment is until they've seen it day in and day out.  There have definitely been times when I was fearful that maybe the treatment was just going to be too much for him... seeing how sick chemo and radiation have made him has almost been scarier than the initial fear I felt when learning he had cancer.


I don't want to go into too much detail, because he's not one to broadcast his life on the internet, and the details of his journey are not mine to tell.  But it has had a huge affect on my life lately so I feel compelled to write about it.  

When someone you love is really sick, I think it makes you question some of the basic elements of your faith.  I feel like a complete spiritual infant admitting this, but I have struggled with questioning things like the goodness of God and the power of prayer.  These are things I've believed in strongly for years and I've built my life on the foundation of these beliefs.  


I'm not saying I don't believe that God is good, or that prayer is effective, but I've for sure had my doubts and my questions.  My basic conclusion in it all is that God never promised that we would understand everything that happens in this world.  If fact, he tells us over and over in scripture that we are not to lean on our own understanding and that his ways our not our ways.  We're frequently commanded not to fear, not be be anxious and trust him even when things around us give us every indication that we have no reason to trust in Him.  


"Faith is a decision. It is not a deduction from the facts around us. We would not look at the world of today and logically conclude that God loves us. It doesn’t always look as though He does. Faith is not an instinct. It certainly is not a feeling—feelings don’t help much when you’re in the lions’ den or hanging on a wooden Cross. Faith is not inferred from the happy way things always work. It is an act of the will, a choice based on the unbreakable Word of a God who cannot lie, and who showed us what love and obedience and sacrifice mean, in the person of Jesus Christ."  ~Elisabeth Elliot


Elisabeth Elliot is my absolute favorite author.  After the Bible, her books have contributed more to the development of my faith than any other books I've ever read.  I think she hit the nail on the head with this quote. 


I think somewhere along the way, we have all gotten the impression that faith should be a feeling.  That you should want nothing more than to spend time basking in the presence of God and that you should always be quick to speak about his great love for you to anyone who will listen, because you can't help but contain the joy that is bursting out of you.  


I know that sounds really sarcastic... I don't intend to downplay the joy of the Lord and the times in life where faith does come easily, where you really are overwhelmed by the peace and love of God... because I think those times are fundamental to the formation of our faith.  We need the times when God's presence feels very near and very real, so that we can trust in his goodness during the times that he feels far away.  


In the last few months there have been times when I have felt guilty for viewing my faith as an act of obligation rather than an act of desire.  I have felt guilty for being fearful and doubting that my God will pull through. I've felt guilty for praying for my own will rather than praying for his will to be done. I've felt guilty for doubting that my heavenly father truly loves me and has my best interest in mind, when I have never once doubted the love of my earthly father.  


Spending time in prayer and in the word have felt difficult and forced, and I initially thought there was something wrong with me or that my faith was lacking in some way.  But as time has gone on, I am starting to learn that it is okay if obedience, rather than desire is fueling my faith right now.  


God wouldn't have told us not to be anxious, not to fear, not to give up hope, and not to lean on our own understanding, if he didn't know that there would be times when we were prone to feel anxiety, fear and hopelessness.  He gets it.  In the goodness of his character, his love and patience extend to us during the times of doubt.  If we cling to his word and his promises even when when our faith is weak, I have to believe that he will honor our obedience and see us through the difficult times. 


"...Lord, I believe; help my unbelief." Mark 9:24

Craving Adventure

So lately I have really been wanting to travel!  It's been almost a year since I've gone on a trip outside the country, and I really want to get back to working on my life goal of seeing the world.  I only have a few pesky little details that prevent me from doing this... you know... work, finances... things along those lines.

Here is a collection of photos from some of my past adventures.  I've been feeling nostalgic lately for these places and the people I traveled with.

 

 

I apologize if that was an excessive amount of photos.  Since my life doesn't exactly lend itself to travel at this particular time, I am forced to live vicariously through my past. 

 

Defining Happiness

A month or so ago, I read an article that attempted to define happiness.  The author of the article basically concluded that the key to happiness was to identify the negative aspects of your life and do everything within your power to remove them.

I thought that was an incomplete assessment of what it means to be happy.  While there are definitely times when  negative things can and should be removed from your life... a lot of times, negative things just happen and you can't simply get rid them.  It would be nice if it were just that easy... but it isn't, and I would venture to guess that if I had been able to remove every unpleasant experience from my life, I wouldn't be the person I am today.  Stress, pain, disappointment, anger, etc... when approached with the right attitude, can all provide opportunity for growth.

So, ever since I read that article, I have been thinking about my own recipe for happiness.  Here is what I've come up with so far:

Be quick to forgive: It takes so much more effort to hold on to a grudge than to simply just forgive someone.

Sleep well at night: "As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18. When it comes to relationships with friends, family, significant others anyone else you encounter on a daily basis... approach these relationships with humility, apologize when it's your fault,  and encourage them frequently.  Don't leave any unresolved tension.

Focus on others: Constant obsession with your own happiness breeds discontentment.  It sounds paradoxical, but there is no better feeling than doing something for/blessing someone else.

Grow from negative things: Like I said before, removing all negative things from your life is both unrealistic and inhibits character development.  You will only drive yourself crazy if you try to avoid discomfort of any kind... it's impossible. Instead, let the negative things serve as a tool to magnify the positive.

Count your blessings: Seriously, make a list.  Whenever I do this I actually get sort of giddy and end up feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet.  There is so much to be grateful for!  My wise friend Kristen once sent this quote to our small group: "What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today?" I have no idea who said this... but this quote really made me want to make a conscious effort to recognize and thank God for everything I've been blessed with.

Be okay with who you are and how you conduct your life: It's kind of self explanatory, but make choices that you feel good about... even if it's difficult. Keep your integrity, even in the little things.  Sometimes it's easy to cut corners to make things more convenient for yourself, but in the long run you will sleep better at night with the knowledge that you have preserved the quality of your character.

Keep your faith at the forefront of your mind: So little of what we spend our time doing, focusing on and worrying about is going to matter in eternity.  God and people are the only things that are going to matter once we leave this world.

Hold things loosely: Cling to your faith, but keep a loose grip on all other things.  Anything that you find your identity in other than Christ (physical beauty, career, financial status, even relationships) can and will change. If you have a grasp on what is important in life, your identity won't be rocked when things around you change.

So, that's what I've come up with so far as a way of finding happiness.  It's far more complex than the "removing negative things" plan... but this is what has worked for me in my life, so I'm sticking with it.

A Time for Everything

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I just wanted to update the blog for my (at most) two readers who follow.  My blog has been really quiet this past month.  I've had a lot going on... I think I've experienced the majority of the "times" mentioned above.  Some have been really, really good, others not so good. I am definitely in "a time to be silent" mood; on the blog and in real life. Hopefully soon I'll be back to posting more frequently.

16 Toothbrushes

My grandma passed away this past Christmas, and this may sound weird, but I think it has just recently hit me that she is really gone.  Because I went to school out of state, it was normal to go for months without seeing her. I would see her when I was home for the holidays, and then go back to school for a few months.  I think the reason the loss has been affecting me lately, is because I have never gone this long without seeing her.

Of all my grandparents, she was the one I was closest to.  Sometimes I'm afraid I will forget things about her and our memories as time goes by and I get older.  So, I decided it was important to write down the little things that I know I don't ever want to forget.

My grandma had 16 grandchildren, and if you looked in her bathroom cabinet you would find 16 toothbrushes.  Each with a different name written in sharpie on the handle.  These were on hand, of course, for the many, many sleepovers we had at Grandma's.  For the girls there were always extra hair ties and barrettes in the cabinet as well.  Sweets were never in short supply as there was always rootbeer in the fridge, cookies in the cookie jar, and gum drops in a glass dish on the coffee table (that probably explains why toothbrushes for each of us were always easily accessible...).  Before bed, we would always play cards together for hours.  Phase 10 was our favorite.  Sometimes at the sleepovers it was me, grandma and several cousins, sometimes me, Grandma and my brother, and sometimes just me and Grandma.  If my brother was there, Grandma and I would secretly talk strategy hours before the game began, to gang up on my brother in an attempt to put an end to his winning streak.  Grandma had all the good cable channels, and comfy bean bag chairs for the grandkids to sit on while we watched way more TV than we were ever allowed to watch at home.  In the mornings, we would always wake up to cinnamon toast waffles, toasted to the perfect amount of crunchiness, with butter and syrup evenly distributed in each square.

As we got older, the sleepovers happened less often, but we still visited frequently.  My Grandma had each of our senior pictures proudly displayed on a table in her living room.  Since there were 16 of us, we frequently competed to have our picture in the front row.  You always knew who had visited last, because they would have discreetly placed their picture in front of the others.

As we moved into adulthood, attending her grandchildrens' weddings became Grandma's new favorite activity.  My family can party pretty late into the night, but Grandma was not one to leave the festivities early.  She would frequently stay up with us til 2 or 3 in the morning, because she hated to miss even a minute of a family gathering.

I am very sad that she's gone.  I wish she had lived long enough to see me get married.  But, she lived a long, full life surrounded by tons of family who loved her very much. So much so that during her last few weeks, they literally had to ask us to leave the hospital because she was exceeding the limit for visitors.  She was almost 90 years old when she passed away, and I count myself very lucky to have had her in my life for 22 years.

Sometime in the early 90's....

June 2010. Not the greatest quality photo... but it shows her surrounded by her grandkids, and that's the important part

I Love Snail Mail

One benefit (if you'd like to call it that) of having best friends scattered all over the country is sending and receiving mail.  Although it's rarely utilized anymore, particularly by my generation, my friends and I do an excellent job of utilizing the USPS if I do say so myself! Renee and Savannah are exceptionally good at this.

There is nothing like coming home after a long day at work and finding a letter waiting for you in the mailbox.  I can't tell you the number of times I've gotten a card or letter at just the time that I needed a little encouragement.

I'm pretty minimalist when it comes to "things."  I clean out my closet every year and get rid of anything I haven't worn in the past 12 months.  I'm constantly consolidating my possessions and only hanging on to things I actually need and use.  But, when it comes to things of sentimental value, one might call me a hoarder.  I have saved every, single personal card, note or letter that I've received from childhood until now.  I stash them in several shoe boxes in my closet, because I just can't seem to throw away anything that my friends or family took the time to write to me.  

Thank you friends for all the happy snail mail over the years!

Lately...

I realize I've been neglecting the blog just a bit lately.

So I thought I'd pop in for a brief life update.  

I'm enjoying summer, despite the 99 degree weather with 100% humidity.  It's better than the cold, grey, overcast Cincinnati winters.  (Can I get an amen??)

Here's a few things I've been up to lately. 

Last Sunday I went sailing.  I love all things nautical and pretentious, so sailing made for a good time.  

On Saturday I went to a hot air balloon festival.  It was such a cool event!  I had seen pictures of it in the past and had always wanted to go.  So, this past weekend, some friends and I went.  

Besides lots of awesome hot air balloons, they had other cool events going on.  Throughout the day they frequently had hang gliders and parachuters landing in the middle of the festival.  There were a group of hang gliders flying the American flag, and I thought it looked pretty cool. 

In other news... my hairdresser quit.  I called to make an appointment and the salon told me she no longer worked there.  I am probably going to sound really high maintenance right now, but I was so upset!  Kate knows me, she knows my hair (which I happen to be a little bit perfectionist about).  I am reluctant to trust my hair to a stranger... but that is just what I am going to do this evening.  Sad day.  

Well, that's about all I have for this update.