AT ME

Quit Pointing Your Avocado at Me

I recently read this blog article and thought it was worth sharing.  Although it is written about parenting (which I can’t really relate to) I think the concept can apply to just about anyone. 

To summarize, the blog entry was written by a mom who tells the story of a trip to the mall food court.  She was eating a fast food lunch with her three children, when another mom sat down nearby.  The other mom began spoon-feeding her child an avocado.  The blog author couldn’t help but notice that the child eating the avocado was well-behaved and had perfectly braided hair while her kids were acting rowdy and looked a bit disheveled. Additionally, she felt like the other mom was judging her for feeding her kids fast food rather than nutritious produce.  

She very honestly (and humorously) confessed that she felt like the other mom was trying to prove a point, like she intentionally sat down near them so that she could make a show of being a superior mom. The following is a quote from her blog entry:

“I am telling you that I decided right then and there that this mother was feeding her child avocados AT ME. And that also she had matched her child’s clothes that morning AT ME. And also that she had likely disciplined her child effectively for years AT ME. And that as icing on her (likely homemade and gluten-free) cake she was enjoying a lovely, peaceful, well-planned, healthy lunch AT ME. I felt judged. I felt like her approach to parenting was maybe developed solely to shine a big old spotlight on my “not good enough” parenting.  She was parenting AT ME, I tell you!”

She went on to write about how she had to come to the realization that no one was intentionally doing anything AT HER, and that everyone was simply doing the best they could and living out what they believed was the right and the best thing for them and their children. 

"Other mamas are just weaving together families using the unique gifts and challenges and interests they have. Just like I am. They are much too joyful and scared and fulfilled and empty and tired and inspired and busy living their lives to concern themselves too much with what I’m doing."

I think what I found most interesting was reading the comment section after the article.  One woman who commented said that she identified with the Avocado mom.  She said that she doesn’t pack nutritious lunches because she wants to make a show- she does it because she can’t afford to buy lunch out.  And she doesn’t braid her daughter’s hair to look superior to anyone else, but she does it to make her daughter look nice, despite the fact that she is wearing hand-me-downs.  

It really illustrated the fact that there are two sides to every story and that people aren’t always making life choices for the reasons that you assume they are.

Like I said, I don’t personally relate to the parenting example, but I can think of things that I have felt like people are doing AT ME.  Reading this article and thinking about it for the past couple days have really made me evaluate my perspective.   It has shown me that...

No one is running a marathon AT ME.

No one is having a wildly successful career AT ME.

No one is going on awesome vacations AT ME.

No one has a perfect wardrobe AT ME.

No one is getting their MBA AT ME.

No one is Instagramming AT ME.

Although it's embarassing to admit, the list could go on.  

It’s a lot easier to assume the best of people rather than imagine that they have somehow have an agenda to point out my flaws or shortcomings.  I'm grateful that this article served as a reminder to curb my thoughts and assumptions and start realizng the people really do have good intentinons.  I want others to be inclined to think the best of my intentions, but I can't expect anyone to do that until I start assuming the best of them.

Thoughts on Engagement

I’m getting married in just over three months.  Engagement is a really interesting time in life.  Right now I don’t feel like I’m one of the single girls, but I’m also not yet one of the married girls either.  I think engagement is a really good and necessary time to get excited about your wedding and future with your fiancé, but also to wrap your mind around the changes that are about to take place in your life.  I remember feeling similar to this the summer between high school and college.  I was really excited about the new things ahead, but sad to leave behind a life I really loved.

I think that most engaged people have a really easy time expressing excitement about getting married.  I love talking about my wedding and future plans with Brian.  But on the flip side there are some aspects of getting married that are bittersweet. 

For instance, the other day Brian printed off all the legal paperwork we have to complete for a marriage license and for me to change my name.  I felt a pang of sadness about abandoning my last name. My name is a huge part of my identity and it feels a bit odd to abruptly change it.

However, the good part about changing my name is that it meets all the criteria of what I’ve always wanted in a last name: Easy to spell, easy to pronounce, and at the beginning of the alphabet.  I suppose I can’t get too sad about dropping my current last name which fits none of those criteria. 

Another thing that makes me a bit sad is leaving my apartment.  I love my place and I thoroughly enjoy having it all to myself. I feel like it’s my sanctuary at the end of a long day and my place of rest on the weekends.  It’s my only apartment that has ever been all my own and I feel like it symbolizes the phase in my life where I became an independent, post-college adult.

But, I have to remember that I’m giving it up to make a home with Brian.  I’m really excited to become a homeowner (by marriage- the best and easiest way in my opinion!).  I know that it will become a place of rest and peace for me as time goes on.  It’s currently a bit of a bachelor pad, but I think with a little TLC it will feel like home to me in no time.  Plus I’ll get to have sleepovers with my best friend every night!  And on a practical note, I can stop throwing 40% of my groceries away each week because they spoil before I can eat them.  Shopping and cooking for one is lame!

Something I’ve already experienced over the past year that will only intensify with marriage is splitting holidays and events between families. Brian’s family lives 4 hours away, so we pretty much have to pick one family or the other to spend a given holiday with.  This is challenging for me because I’m very attached to my family and our traditions.  It makes me a little sad to know that I will inevitably have to miss some holiday traditions I’ve participated in my whole life.

I know there will be new traditions and in time I’ll get closer to Brian’s family, but right now it’s just not the same.  But, I know Brian’s traditions and family gatherings are just as important to him as mine are to me, so it’s worth it because I can see him happy. 

I’m SO excited to be Brian’s wife, and I wouldn’t choose to stay where I am forever.  But I think it’s ok to take some time to reflect and be honest about my feelings.  Like I said, I think this is what engagement is for… it just takes a little time to process things.

The Introvert

According to the Myers Briggs test, I am an introvert.  I used to think that being introverted was synonymous with being shy, boring and self-conscious.  However, over time I’ve gained a better understanding of what being an introvert really means.  I saw this quote on Pinterest and I think it hit the nail on the head.

 

I recently listed to this TED Talk (I love TED Talks!) about the power of introverts.  It’s kind of long, but it’s entertaining.  I think my favorite part is when she shares the quote that says “We have historically favored the man of action over the man of contemplation”

 

She goes on to say that in groups, we typically agree with the ideas of the person who is the loudest or most vocal.  This is something that has consistently bothered me.  I think the introverts in the workplace and in other groups have really great ideas.  I just don’t think they’re prone to jump in and express them as loudly.  Just because an idea is the loudest, does not mean it is the best.

Don’t get me wrong.  Even as an introvert, I love being social and I love sharing my thoughts and ideas.  I just have a limited capacity for that.  For instance I can spend hours and hours on end with friends and family- we could stay in and chat, we could do out and find something fun to do, we could travel to new places and try new things.  All of these things energize me and leave me feeling really happy and full. 

However, my least favorite social situation is approaching a group of people who all know each other except for me.  I despise this!  Will I do it if I need to? Yes.  I just have to give myself a pep talk that goes a little something like this: “Ok Kristen, time to put your A game on.  This will only last for a few hours, in the grand scheme of life, a few hours is nothing; you can do ANYTHING for a few hours. Ok?  OK!”

I occasionally travel for work and when I do, it consists of several days of small talk with people I don’t know well.  This typically involves meetings all day and “optional” (but really not so optional) social events in the evening. This is an extrovert’s field day, but kind of intimidating for an introvert.  I really have to turn my A game on for those weeks. Nothing makes me feel better during these trips than calling Brian at the end of the day, so I can completely let my guard down and just engage in easy conversation. 

I prefer to spend my social energies on people I’m closest with.  I very much enjoy conversations where I can connect with people.  I could see someone every day and engage in normal day-to-day chit-chat, but still not feel very close to that person.  I have to feel like we’ve connected on a deeper level to really value someone’s place in my life.

22

Confession: I am a Taylor Swift fan.  In my defense, I’ve never professed to have a refined taste in music.  I’m currently a little bit obsessed with her 22 song.  When I’m alone in my car and it comes on the radio I’ve been known to crank up the volume and belt out the lyrics along with T-Swift. 

What’s funny is that I feel way too old to be singing an anthem about the life of a 22 year old.  Granted, I’m only 25 which is actually closer to 22 than it is to 30 (which makes me feel good), but I think my life looks a lot more like age 30 than it does age 22. 

When I was 22, I was in my last (and most favorite) year of college.  I was living with my best friends, having way too much fun and freaking out on the regular about what I was going to do with my life after college.  To quote Taylor, I was “happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way.”  There was a lot of uncertainty about the future, but I was surrounded by people who shared that uncertainty, so it didn’t seem like a problem.  Instead it served as means to build even more camaraderie among my friends and me as we approached the finish line of college and the starting gate of adulthood. We enjoyed many late nights of talking, laughing and crying, got a little tipsy on weeknights, skipped as many classes as we could get away with, traveled on our last spring break trip to Florida, attended sorority formals, played intramural sports, and genuinely savored every last bit of the college experience that we could.

In contrast my life now involves a regimented schedule, an 8-5 job, sitting in traffic every afternoon, lots of bills, business trips (although I still feel like I’m playing pretend when I go on them), financial planning, church and volunteer commitments. I get excited about things like tax returns, getting good gas mileage and a great crockpot recipe.

My 22 year old self would thing I was a bore.  Which in some ways I am compared to my college life.  However, I think 25 has a lot of perks that 22 didn’t have.  I have an awesome fiancé, and I’m having a blast planning my wedding. I have a job I like and I still have great friends- many live far away… but I can afford to go visit them.  I get to share in their weddings and births of their babies.  I can look ahead at the future with a lot of certainty.  Obviously God could have plans for my life that I don’t foresee now, but as things currently stand, a lot of the unknowns that my life held at 22 have fallen into place quite nicely. 

The point of all my musings is this:  I loved being 22… and I love being 25.  I wouldn’t trade the experiences that I had then or the ones I’m having now.  It makes me feel good to look back on my life a few years ago and relive such fond memories.  I also look at my life now and am very content with the place I am.  God has been so good to me in each phase of my life so far and I’m confident that I have many wonderful phases to come. 

 

My Love Story (Part 3)

After we reunited, things went really smoothly from there.  A year from the date of our “second first date” was the day that Brian proposed. 

It would make for a cooler story if I was completely caught off guard and surprised by the proposal… but truthfully I had a hunch that he would do it that evening. 

He told me a few days before that we were going on a surprise date to celebrate our 1 year.  On the evening of our date Brian took me to several places that were special to us over the past year of our relationship.  At each place he gave me a hand-written letter that described his memories of our time there and how he felt.  It was really cool to revisit places that were part of our history as a couple.  He figured out the exact date that we had visited each place and included it in the letters.

The last place we went was a bench in Covington that was right across the river from the city.  We had been there before during the summer when it was warm, but it was FREEZING that night.  We sat on the bench in the cold and he gave me the last letter.  It said something along the lines of “I don’t remember the exact date that we came here for the first time, but I will always remember when we were here on February 15, 2013, because that is when I asked you to marry me…”

Then, he got on one knee and gave me the most beautiful ring in the world.  And of course I said yes. 

We’re getting married on September 28 of this year… which is only six months away!  The wedding planning is well underway and I’m really excited about how it’s all coming together. 

My Love Story (Part 2)

See Below for Part 1

One night the following February, I was out with some friends, including Brian’s roommate at the time, Caleb.  Caleb had tried to get Brian to come along that night, but he decided to stay home.  Caleb told me to text Brian and tell him to come hang out, because he seemed to think if I invited him, that Brian would come. 

Normally I wouldn’t fire off a random text to someone with whom I had a brief and unsuccessful dating stint… but I’d had two drinks, which is all it takes for me to lose my radar for awkwardness.  So, I told Brian to come hang out, and shortly thereafter, he showed up.  Things got a little weird after that because our friends didn’t stay too much longer after he arrived… so then it was just me and Brian… Since I was the one who had invited him out, I was now tasked with hanging out with him one on one. 

I figured I’d stay another hour or so, make some small talk and then leave once an appropriate amount of time had passed and Brian’s trip to the bar wouldn’t be considered a waste.  However, once we got to talking, we started to have a really good time.  We stayed there talking til about 2 or 3 in the morning.    

When the night ended, Brian asked if I wanted to give things another shot, and I agreed to give it a try.

So we started going on dates, and I was determined to give the relationship an honest effort this time around. Within the first month or so that we started dating again, we had a string of odd little “signs” if you will, that seemed like the universe was affirming our relationship.  The first was a photo from our first date the previous year.  Children’s Hospital was hosting their Celestial Ball again that year, and they chose a photo of us to use on their advertisement.  It was a really terrible photo of both of us, but it was kind of cool, that right when we got back together a picture of our first date from almost a year prior began circulating the internet.  I had all kinds of people call me to say they saw our picture on the ad. 

In addition to that, we had an unusual number of people stop us on the street or approach us in restaurants to tell us what cute couple we were (this no longer happens to us! lol).  We had a lady come up to us one night when we were out to dinner and tell us that we reminded her of her and her husband when they first started dating.  When we left the restaurant that night, we walked outside and saw the brightest shooting star I’ve even seen… and we were downtown- not a prime spot for stargazing.   

It was a string of things that sound kind of silly, but at the time it kind of freaked me out.  Looking back, I think it's kind of cool.

My Love Story (Part 1)

Since my blog audience consists of about three people, you all already know that I got engaged a couple weeks ago! 

I wanted to blog about our story, but writing it all down in one post seemed really daunting.  So, i decided to break it up into segments.  So, I present to you... Part 1:

One night, almost two years ago, a guy I barely knew asked me to a ball.

He left me an adorably awkward voicemail.  He explained that his name was Brian and we had met the previous week while out with mutual friends.  He said he got my number from our friend Jessica and was wondering if I’d like to be his date to the Children’s Hospital Celestial ball.  His company did business with Children’s and he explained that he had two tickets and that he’d like to take me with him.

I was actually really confused by his voicemail. And pretty sure he had the wrong person.  There were two Kristens in our group the night we met.  Brian and I probably exchanged less than 10 words that evening, so I was pretty sure I was not the Kristen he intended to ask out.

I called my friend Jessica to see why she gave him my number instead of the other Kristen. She said that Brian asked her for the number of the blonde Kristen (the other Kristen was brunette). We had another blonde friend there that night… although her name wasn’t Kristen, I figured that was probably who Brian intended to ask.  I was certain he wanted the number for the blonde, or for Kristen.  Not the blonde Kristen.

This left me in an awkward situation because I had to return his call and wasn’t sure what to say.  After some thought, I decided a ball sounded fun (who doesn’t want a good excuse to dress up?).  So, I called him back and accepted his invitation.  I was still halfway convinced that he’d arrive to pick me up and realize he had the wrong girl, but I knew if he was a gentleman he wouldn’t admit that, so I thought I would have a fun night at the ball regardless.

Turns out he had the right girl, and we had a really fun night at the ball. And a few decent dates after that… but then it kind of fizzled out.  If you asked him today what he thought of the early days he would say I gave him “the big middle finger”… figuratively, of course.  But really I just thought he was taking forever to make a move and I was playing hard to get. 

So, after those 5 or so dates, we didn’t really talk for about 7 months. We awkwardly avoided each other when we crossed paths at church or with mutual friends…